These Loves I Hate

The black leather notebook Emma gave me

whispers mid sentences in my dreams

it lays sadly without happy stories it seems

like the sorrow of my words drank its life

My batteries are of the rechargeable kind

they come and go as snapshots of my days

flash between my blinking dark eyes

as they skim through all my memories then die

My notebook needs stories to survive

but my selfish mind does not want to write

about this time, about the fading sky

maybe forgetting New York is a sign

I might be missing a part of my soul

I am giving up so much for what I know

I declare war against the heartaches that chase my heel

everything in New York is made of heaviness

An armor, a shield made of steel

Like each aim and goal attained is not real

like the loves I found from this place

are just martyrs to the home I'm trying to replace

His lips like a juicy plum

with blood spilling from his tongue

the pills, like monsters, that feed his unstable brain

I ask myself how I became the one to blame

His timeless face like an endless sea

with deep uneasy wrinkles set around the eyes

the drinks, like daggers, surgically implanted in his hand

I ask myself how I didn't know perfection came as a disguise

Is it an excuse I make for such choking grips?

Am I blinded by my own self worth

enough to not acknowledge my own slips?

Why am I blaming New York for the men I fall in love with?

Or is it the leather book that now stares me in the face?

Those thoughts that I deny myself

Could those have been what brought me down from grace?

Must've been too scared to write about my own mistakes

These loves I hate

I hope New York has more to offer

more than just sexy smells and gorgeous tastes

more than just facades inside heavenly bodies

more than just first kisses at a pier or a park bench

more than just a Jeep Wrangler and a Ducati

more than just the songs from a guitar or a piano

more than just the empty stench of words, words, words…

I hope New York has more to offer

more than just the color hazel

more than just long messy hair

more than just the passion I live for

more than just trains I need to take

more than just bridges so beautiful they look fake

more than all these things that make up my heartbreak

more than just these loves I hate