An Alone

There's very few people in the world I can count on....

It's scary how much I can see through the surface... happy faces don't fool me.

I am scared of drugs... actually, I can admit that I'm pretty much traumatized of drugs! It causes such a discomfort under my skin when I find out someone takes any kind of drug... no matter how I pretend or ignore, I will never feel comfortable, and therefore, will never trust someone with any kind of addiction...

I still cry so much when I think of Heath Ledger's death... I don't know why exactly, but it feels too real to me.

A lot of my friends do drugs... do the math.

Or they have a map that guides each single step.

I know. I am. The fish out of water.

I don't care how many people I offend by what I'm about to write. And if you are offended, distancing myself is probably the way to go anyway...

I need to be somewhere where I'm around people that aim for happiness, for nature, for passion, for knowledge, for health...

I can't take people that thrive in misery anymore, in addiction, in self destruction, people that settle for the easy road... that create a vice so they have an excuse to not look around or within themselves and leave their comfort zone.

This is killing me. I am miserable fighting against negativity all the fucking time.

I hate people sometimes, I hate the people in New York sometimes, I hate this country most of the time, I hate myself for being so critical of people and places sometimes...

I hate my own voice, my own stories, my truths, my disguise sometimes.

I promise to always try to focus on the brighter side of the coin.

I will leave New York soon.

I will move on so I can discover more colorful skies. Perhaps another set of hazel eyes that will embrace me.

I will miss New York too. And the people in it. The faces are just endless paintings in my mind.

I have no idea where I am going.

I am scared of somewhere else scarring my soul even deeper!

I've fallen in love twice in New York. I miss it so much. Everything love encompasses. It is empowering.

I need that strength to come from somewhere besides my guts.

Family don't always count when you must survive on your own.

This is what happens to children whose parents are lost souls, this is what happens when no one holds your hand, this is what happens when you demand more of yourself than of anybody else...

You end up... an alone in a crowd of strangers you chose to pretend to know.