The Land Where I Come From

I

the red earth

where my roots anchor

grows fruit trees

that mix their bright

colors and calls me

knows me

by name

the green hills

where moo cows graze

slow in their ways

like grandma stirring

the blackberry jelly

humming

by the woodburning stove

the rose garden

where Mariana and I

practiced our cartwheels

and made bridges

with our stomachs exposed

towards

the burning sun

the Indian trail

where the Indian lived

his bow and arrow

ready at hand

so we ran

laughing

laughing till the end

II

the summer breeze

humid from the sea’s weight

happy soccer balls

kicked around the sand

a far off improv band

seduced us

with their samba beats

the dirt road to that hotel

with the spooky mademoiselle

your breath on my neck

the whole night

where we slept

naked

on joint mattresses on the floor

the way you felt

deep in me in the ocean waves

the coolness a nuisance

to the heat inside

your eyes in their best hazel

laid rest

in the darkness of mine

the juice

that dripped from your elbows

as you savored the fat mango

shirtless at the kitchen table

made you smile your dimpled smile

like the blissful child

my country made of us

III

the land where I come from

is more than just a place

it is a desire

a taste

the green and the yellow

the blue and the white

light me with their fire

the land where I come from

is in the tears I cry

in my hands that ache

in my lips that never lie

in my sex

in my sweat

in my strength that never dies

the land where I come from

is this red earth

an old and wise love

that’s still burning

missing and yearning

calling

calling me back

the land where I come from

where the sea runs through my veins

where I crave

for the tongue and the sun

’cause I know, at the end of the day

the Brazil where my fruit trees grow

is where my bones remain

Fade

I lie with a lie thristy for she
fading as a hanging shadow is revealed
by morning light.
The moment aches
like his eyes, missing and green
weaning away from a sunbeam.

Abstraction is our today
mixing its sweet and sour juices
in all these can’t do’s and truces
melting as lyrics to song
like angered lighting
holding on to stone

Thorny chords sound and break
inside my anchored fist
See this face?
It doesn’t fade
It doesn’t desist
when it’s never even been kissed!

So be gone, like you came
quickly, heaving in need...
Before love boils over concrete
crown your queen and proceed
and save my face under lock and chains
for the next time you bleed.

Too Much

is it too much to ask

that safe space

the place where he'd know my shape
where I'd know his taste

find comfort in the every day...

is it too much to ask

a welcoming bay

strong arms to come home to
clean air to breathe

a chest to rest my everything…

it is in fact it seems

too damn much

when right here love is locked
clogged in people's throat

too good to know or touch...

destiny hides

too real to awaken and burn

the lips that beg for me
the crevices I fit in

fantasies that linger within...

is it really too much to ask

to lay awake next to a man

getting high off his odor
not having to wonder

if I belong...

Escapade

I see him leaning
Naked by the bedroom door.
His dark hazel stare
Overflowing with masculinity,
His base so tight in symmetry,
His girth and his demand,
A silhouette stiff in my hands

His mouth a miracle
Over my silky moist.
My river flooding into a sea,
the perfume lathering the air
In pungent stings of glee,
Like creamy gardenia,
Drenched in cinnamon liqueur.

A kiss melts into my breast.
Strands of black
Corrupt the white pillow case.
Stamped smile on red face.
The smell, the smell in waves…

My splendor rests in this bed unmade.
Swear me die here in escapade
For I vow to ache before he stops.

Julia

She dances
In a trance
She dances
Taking chance

High heels
Secrets
Romance?

The sadness of a bottle
The air sick
Denial

A lap
She dances
Champagne
Finances?

A man
A rich man
A man
A poor man

The green
Her eyes sparkle
The green?
The fountain
She marvels
She dreams

A man
A married man?
Travels
Romances

She takes a chance
He glances
The green
The green
Cir-cum-stances

Tearing at the seams
She dances
For him
To cum
For him
In a trance
She prances

Glass in hand
Dead end
Bend over
Descend
Dance, Julia
Dance

Cum
Fountains
Green
Mountains
So so green
Eighteen

She dances
She screams
She dances

An Alone

There's very few people in the world I can count on....

It's scary how much I can see through the surface... happy faces don't fool me.

I am scared of drugs... actually, I can admit that I'm pretty much traumatized of drugs! It causes such a discomfort under my skin when I find out someone takes any kind of drug... no matter how I pretend or ignore, I will never feel comfortable, and therefore, will never trust someone with any kind of addiction...

I still cry so much when I think of Heath Ledger's death... I don't know why exactly, but it feels too real to me.

A lot of my friends do drugs... do the math.

Or they have a map that guides each single step.

I know. I am. The fish out of water.

I don't care how many people I offend by what I'm about to write. And if you are offended, distancing myself is probably the way to go anyway...

I need to be somewhere where I'm around people that aim for happiness, for nature, for passion, for knowledge, for health...

I can't take people that thrive in misery anymore, in addiction, in self destruction, people that settle for the easy road... that create a vice so they have an excuse to not look around or within themselves and leave their comfort zone.

This is killing me. I am miserable fighting against negativity all the fucking time.

I hate people sometimes, I hate the people in New York sometimes, I hate this country most of the time, I hate myself for being so critical of people and places sometimes...

I hate my own voice, my own stories, my truths, my disguise sometimes.

I promise to always try to focus on the brighter side of the coin.

I will leave New York soon.

I will move on so I can discover more colorful skies. Perhaps another set of hazel eyes that will embrace me.

I will miss New York too. And the people in it. The faces are just endless paintings in my mind.

I have no idea where I am going.

I am scared of somewhere else scarring my soul even deeper!

I've fallen in love twice in New York. I miss it so much. Everything love encompasses. It is empowering.

I need that strength to come from somewhere besides my guts.

Family don't always count when you must survive on your own.

This is what happens to children whose parents are lost souls, this is what happens when no one holds your hand, this is what happens when you demand more of yourself than of anybody else...

You end up... an alone in a crowd of strangers you chose to pretend to know.

My Creation

Where is the seed that encompasses my name?

Where are the night crickets who sing in vain?

Where are the Saints, the bells, the chains?

The casting spells that brought me up

This proctor Jesus and God above

Plants me to the ground, bleeds roots in me

To only wake and discover

This beast Judas invested in all I can be

Breaks the cycle of what I'm told to believe

And as I walk away from the infirmity

The mother and father and their littleness

Slash their blessings in disguise

The eyes that judge and deny

This crooked line that made me a warrior

Through a road less traveled this time

Where is the sky that danced with me?

Where are the fish coloring my sea?

Where are the fairies, the fruit trees, the bees?

The goodbyes I said so lonely

Sings the gravity of my dreams

Hants me in all that I loved in between

This life of scratches, bruises, unmatched patches

I see the punishments for wearing my veil

This wicked need to be somebody else

The aloneness of a gypsy queen

I know what I want but not what I mean

By all these days I've tried to sew at the seams

With a head up high through uncertainty

Daybreak paints strange shadows wet and sore

Colors essential to my masterful uproar

But, where is the meaning in such dissertation?

Where are the sanctions for my emancipation?

Where are the rights and wrongs of my creation?

Poesy

Forever the art survived

Stroked the scars of time

Sometimes caused them

Most, healed them

The pen takes shape in the embrace

of fingers, mind, grace

as the face of history unravels

swells, with human race

a small change, a clock, a grain

a petal, a marble, a cloak, a dagger

words marvel at the tongue

as it sits quiet but alive on paper swagger

Boys coming home from war

Girls crying some

A weeping guitar

Grandma, so lonesome

A wave from a street car

And the pavement so new where I come from

Blazing sun so blue it hurts the yellow sky

Where could I write about all that is mum

In my sixth mind's eye

Without an art to guide my right

To feed my left, to blind my death

But hope to die

Without my art to write a life

So full of death until I die

Nude

If his stare could kill

I’d be a slave to the death

he bestows over my weakling body

Nude

a heaven descends

his burning gaze

applies its hunger under my trembling skin

chewing alive what is left of me to kill

A night as sinful as this

as sweet as a flower in June

as blaring as the wings of a humming bird

Come quiet, my love

shush my screams

keep me whole

for I need you to know

I need you

and though you need proof

I lay nude

till hell sucks me to this downtrend

slaving your eyes in my memory

stirring and yearning

for the night you’ll kill me

for good

in reprimand

These Loves I Hate

The black leather notebook Emma gave me

whispers mid sentences in my dreams

it lays sadly without happy stories it seems

like the sorrow of my words drank its life

My batteries are of the rechargeable kind

they come and go as snapshots of my days

flash between my blinking dark eyes

as they skim through all my memories then die

My notebook needs stories to survive

but my selfish mind does not want to write

about this time, about the fading sky

maybe forgetting New York is a sign

I might be missing a part of my soul

I am giving up so much for what I know

I declare war against the heartaches that chase my heel

everything in New York is made of heaviness

An armor, a shield made of steel

Like each aim and goal attained is not real

like the loves I found from this place

are just martyrs to the home I'm trying to replace

His lips like a juicy plum

with blood spilling from his tongue

the pills, like monsters, that feed his unstable brain

I ask myself how I became the one to blame

His timeless face like an endless sea

with deep uneasy wrinkles set around the eyes

the drinks, like daggers, surgically implanted in his hand

I ask myself how I didn't know perfection came as a disguise

Is it an excuse I make for such choking grips?

Am I blinded by my own self worth

enough to not acknowledge my own slips?

Why am I blaming New York for the men I fall in love with?

Or is it the leather book that now stares me in the face?

Those thoughts that I deny myself

Could those have been what brought me down from grace?

Must've been too scared to write about my own mistakes

These loves I hate

I hope New York has more to offer

more than just sexy smells and gorgeous tastes

more than just facades inside heavenly bodies

more than just first kisses at a pier or a park bench

more than just a Jeep Wrangler and a Ducati

more than just the songs from a guitar or a piano

more than just the empty stench of words, words, words…

I hope New York has more to offer

more than just the color hazel

more than just long messy hair

more than just the passion I live for

more than just trains I need to take

more than just bridges so beautiful they look fake

more than all these things that make up my heartbreak

more than just these loves I hate

A Damned Day

As the leaves change
the neon lights flicker like confetti
stuck on windows and corners of tall
iridescent buildings across Manhattan
I remember your eyes
so green that afternoon
staring at nothing
your hands fondling inside your pockets
then you, so indifferently, sat on a dirty park bench
spoke so softly and told me goodbye so nicely
You knew that was the end
Don't pretend to ask for something
you never needed or will long for anymore
Don't turn the memories into shit
by keeping me on a leash
You can find a dog at a pet shop
and personal bitches at filthy brothels
or even at those VIP clubs where you seem to know everybody
for some mysterious reason
where you go to socialize and to think you look cool
to get your ego massaged by money-hungry blood-suckers
Don't you dare ruin my image of you
hiding a ring in your suitcase
the one I hoped would end up on my finger
in a distant far off time and happy place
Such a shame
The man I see today is decayed
like the love-starved bugs infested your mattress
sucked your rich blood dry at night
Your taste curdled in my mouth
clogged like baby milk in my throat
a someone else, without me in your heart
a hidden tear from the very start
But I'll be here
with the bitterness you felt
locked in the dungeons of my anguished core
It's constantly transfused
through the lovemaking we'll never again trade
as the cycle of the moon chokes me with these lonely sighs
your kiss became a carcass stinking up my craved soul
This is all because a long time ago
you buried me with the shovel I handed over to you
That damned day
when I chose to get on that plane
and silently watched you get way
That damned day
when I let you get on that plane
and you silently threw my love away

Because I Can

I look because I can
For you who doesn't love me, I should not offer better words to translate
The pain in which carries me
I cannot explain
I cannot remember

I briefly escape, and found brighter colors wrapped inside your arms
But these words are amatuers dancing in your eyes
This poem with no reach a nuisance to your page
and the languages I speak sound like beggars to your waxy ears
Death haunts me, is that what you want to hear?
The things I say, idiosyncracies to your waxy ears...
These convulsions of my chest and the nightmares that flare
I cannot explain
I cannot remember

I look because I can
and because I am. A ripe enough woman
who is not afraid to care for the peace of knowing
that life exists where I once lived
Even in this death in which we stand next to
when the indifference of my presence
bleeds me to the ground, life resists.
The anchor that burried my first love
is from the same angry ship you sail, the speed
glidding blindly, governing the ocean, frowining
at the light of the moon that shines with your name.

I look because I can
I wish you would swallow me whole
like the hope of life does to death
I am not afraid to hurt
or to get pulled under by this sea of love, drown
along with the ghosts that haunts my dreams
They're the same
somber children at play
laced together by you who doesn't love me
all of which I cannot explain
please, don't make me remember...

Poetry Books

I'm heading for the beach tomorrow.
I want to stare at the ocean
and let its anger stir me senseless.
I want the softness of the sand
to keep my secret treasure:
the first thing I spotted this morning
was a strand of your dark hair
corrupting my white sheets.
I picked it up and made a wish,
I wished your heart would be blessed
with peace and kindness
for I am not into the bitterness you embody.
I want the waves to wash me like a windshield,
make it clear forever more
that the fact that we slept together
under the watch of our poetry books
will take my breath away
and deepen my loving soul
every single time
I pick up a book to read.

Enter

Enter
The canja and cachaca are ready by the fireplace
the sugar cane is cracking by the wood burning stove
the stars like lamps are dim and the night is singing with crickets

Enter
the sexy hand on the small of my back
the cool air makes the road seem endless and awake
the smell of gasoline and the loud music over the horrible things he said

Enter
I do not love you
I want to be alone, like a single petal left hanging on a stem
wet and sorry
after a careless summer thunderstorm

Enter
the loneliness of a never-ending beginning
the tease in which I can't bear to shake
the drapes that he never got to change in my room and the hope I can't forsake

Enter
the day begging to be taken advantage of only to fade away
the sun creeping through the window ready with its blaze
the strands of his hair on my pillow and that smell our love left

Enter
I do not want to compromise my idea of freedom
I have been through this before, like I was some whore
chained and scarred
heaving from the beatings his words carved inside my sore

Enter
the sound of his arrival, the silence of his dreams
the tickling and the singing and the rhythms of his omitted piano
the scars I find underneath and the blankets I tried to wrap around them

Enter
the kiss he gave me last night, the briefness left longingly at the stingy bar
the way he meant it, I could feel love in it
the outburst of damned lies and the shakiness of such insecurity

Enter
I do not know why when he sees me it makes me cry
I want to know why he sobbed when he watched the little girl die
innocent and dreamy
lost, like him, in imagination and webbed in wounds of treachery

Enter
the mystery of our woven paths still haunting my guide
the wines he likes and the unsweetened coffee in the morning
the veins that interlace in the long miles of our embrace

Enter
the goodbye I must wave so he can go to waste
the missing details of the story which we don't know how to tell
the end of our second coming and the tragedy of my fairy tale

Time

Time is the great master who says
a lesson to learn is never late in turn

I was wrong, he said
I was cold and colorless, he said

but I wonder

if he truly remembers
the love I cooked up all along
if he longs for my rhythm
and then dances with a porno on the weekends
if the site of my eyes
would still make his knees buckle
or if he'll run away again
into a trance
of lying bits of song

You had me, you know

Inflamed in a bitter taste now
to have you in my bed all made
you'd shake earthquakes
you'd grip my face and make me whisper
what I want

too late for that, I say
too damn late for that, I say

Skin's folly is nothing new
it's the piece missing in your stare
I want to learn about
that piece that has never been taken seriously
by your hazy eyes

I know the depth I could look into you
makes you shudder with regret
I can take your hand to my chest
and show you how my heart beats
without any love there
how hard I am inside from all
sharp turns it dragged me into
I'd show you my honeyed skin
my cherry lips
resting naked on the memory
of your sin

Time finally taught me to let go of
the damage you've done
the hopes you took me away from
the dreams my heart offered to you
but you still got lessons to learn too
because you are always late

You are always too damn late, I say

Stay

Before
I never let myself be known
to the shards of stained glass
displayed at St. Vincent's Church
I praise the strength that encompasses your name
and let it linger on the tongue
In our May, you walk me down our beach
and kiss me on my neck
I play with my short nails
against your wide sandy back
The footsteps are like the day you walked into my life
smooth and brilliant with the sun
The waves like sighs
like my undulating curves against the meaty part of your palm
attacking at my thighs

stay like this
don't dare take off and let my prayers be all that's left

stay like this
quiet as a dove at sunset

stay like this
fiery like a bull in Spain
dripping in your own ardent blood

Before
the flood
of our love
of tears that became mud
all the dreams fluttered away throughout thick green mountains
descended splashing down
the tallest and most powerful of waterfalls
then washed upon a river somewhere
To our dismay, I stayed
a scarred nun locked in a convent
like God would save me from this sore
afraid to look outside those solid thick walls
guarding your image as the bells sang in a call
reminding me of how sorry, how sorry
we were for missing each other so much

So,
stay like this
spread apart like a juicy orange

stay like this
with white velvety sheets wrapping us at night

stay like this
beside and through everything, baby
inside me till I die

My Name

So, he doesn't speak my name

it drives me insane

he simply stares quietly from the corner of his eye

his slow movements like hot candle wax

dripping down my innerthigh

I know he's watching

because I can feel him undressing my skin

and feel him consuming my boiling flesh

bubbling with this vulnerable desire to touch him

Happy lyrics are usually not my thing

yet my fingers ache these days

anxious to try and express it just right

I'll be serene and composed this time

I want to try to tell it just right

So what, he doesn't speak my name

his naked whispers over my neck

wake me in the middle of the night

and just then his hands speak for themselves

as they reach into the longitude of my shape

So cliché, I used to say

but now that it's here

the details reappear

and the magic once cast away

is a newborn tune to my ear

It's in the way his laugh can dissolve my sadness

as if it were never an issue

It's in the way his fingers trace my features

so searchingly, it almost hurts

It's in the way his stirring innocence permeates my senses

and drugs me

into a love so bottomless

I can hardly see in its darkness

He's that face

I wondered all this while about

but thought I could live perfectly without

An old spirit in young warrior's skin

he was just looking for a princess

to lose himself in

I remind him of his forgotten dreams

they are just so right

as I weave myself within their seams

The silence makes me quiver

as I explore the unspoken spaces

Without a pen to write or a voice to deliver

I know we are not destined for words

when I'm with this man I so much adore

I entrust myself into bliss more and more

and realize exactly what we are meant for

it's enchanting

all the beauty we are meant for

So yes,

Though he doesn't speak my name

Here it is, I relayed it just right

I perceive there's no need for any shame

this ode is no child's game

Maybe I should shut up

and start doing the same

The Stain

THE STAIN

Black is my stain

Clearing a white empty room

I spread like grape jelly

Against the artless walls

Until seeds or droplets begin to explode

Through the cracks of a grey windowsill

I leak my dark

You can see it

Trickling down the bustling outside

Slowly dripping and reaching

Escaping into the realness of solid ground

After infesting the normality

Of this white everyday room

Colorless in depth

Plastic in touch

After sickening it with my murky lava

The heat penetrating, pressuring, challenging

My wearied blob meanders towards a door

Slipping through slits of its clear glass

I've had enough of my pleasure

I've transformed everything and everyone

To as far as they can be

I don't turn back

I suck then spit out all of it

There's better fruit

Better smells, better eyes out there

So I burst out, I burst, burst

I am free

Until the stain doesn't fade away

Until the stain serves its purpose,

Penetrates my love

And decides to stay

Snow

I had this image of you
Sitting on a bench waiting on snow
My lips reached out to you
As you brushed the leaves around your feet
You turned your face away as if to say
It's over,
It's too long since you've left me
Waiting as the weather grew colder around us
Bolder in the way it pushed all towards the end
The end of our road
The long walks by the beach
The way you'd lace your fingers around me
The love, a grace so inviting
The way I never again kissed a mouth
I saw this image of you
Writing alone in your room as I do
Wondering whether it was real or not still
Hoping the arrival of a feeling new
Will come soon as winter always and wearily does
Regretting the mistake the human inside you made
Hoping the guilt will leave soon with wind
Never enough
Never enough hope makes it go away, I know
Sitting on this bench now covered in snow
You reached for my hand
But I'm already black footsteps
Upon the fresh powder on the road
Of our end
So bend yourself to sleep
And don't miss my heart beat
Or my serenading heat
I'm only a page
We were only a blurry page or a dry leaf
Flying around an empty park or a dark street
Tremble, cry out, undress, and repeat

A quote...

"A day will come when the cold spell will drown in calm waters, a hand will feel like clouds caressing me in heaven, and eyes will lighten a spark lost within my sad waste. That day will come again, at last, so I can dream the universe is in love's sweet possession, so I can believe that life knows the roads and I should trust it's discretion" -- Adriana Sorrenti

Warning Sign

Courage you lonely boy
Breaks upon the skin charge an unknown feeling
A trip you never took
Afraid of the bumps along the way
A warning sign I predicted
My knowledge a step above your sky
Across the highness you claim you are
I will always be watching from above like a chore
Drive that you can't learn
It wasn't born within you
So you asked me to show you the way
Used me then let me turn away
You didn't scream for my name
When I walked towards the train
Holding all of your pain without even knowing
Like a star in space that burst
Without a soul filled telescope watching
You knew about it, but let me decay
Now I watch you do the same
A result of all those years
I gave myself to you and you didn't appreciate
A new day
Without you in my mind
I can breathe lighter wanting not needing
somebody else
who deserves a chance
I deserve the chance to be loved
I deserve peace and something to look towards
Courage you broken man
I don't need to hear about tears
I want you to cry no more
I bless you with hope
I transfer my strength
I am crying no more

The Red

I take the flesh offered to me
Unfolding the reality limp upon my eyes
The red dye staining my fragile rice paper body
November leaves flutter briskly with the wind and this nature
Paints a whirl around my heavenly figure
Crowds of goose bumps awaken my soul
And I laugh looking up at a cloudy sky
Filled with memories learned from
Filled with a bright smile from the hidden sun
He takes a handful of my breast
I watch and feel his heaving chest
I let it teach me a rhythm playing in silk strings
And relax to its soothing call
His mountainous thighs wrapped around mine
Impossible for a contortionist to figure out
I fell again into the color of wanting
The red passion I don’t compare any shade to
My feet graze his neck
One can imagine the shapes
The intensity of the eyes from that distance
It doesn’t matter from what angle
Only the slow equations and the perpetual solutions
The hands of a God
Changing my internal clock
The enveloping heat of a man
Who warms me gently through his sensual glow
Who ignites with red my blue shadows of cold

Hangman

Lacy fingers against his mocha skin
The diminutive of what I was
Lying beside a moment of inhibition
I turn the page
His meaty lips cover mine in demand of something more
His legs are thick and I imagine everything else
Must be just like what I feel through clothes
He is watching me sing, I grab his skin
Taste the salty droplets on his neck
And feel like the best he's ever had
His hand slides heavy, shaping to all my body
Taking all the pain, chasing my tears
For a moment, just a moment in vain

I know I will tell him to go away soon
and someday I will cry
For another chance I watched decay
Crucify my senses once again
Afraid of being sacrificed by them
I know there are so many saviors
offering me their noble service
They'd take me into their arms any day
Kiss my feet and then die in peace
From the sex in my eyes
From my venom, my addictive lovemaking
The death grip of my thighs

I am the upside down hangman
I martyr love, let me feel again
I want to kill no more

Unwelcome Sunrise

I circle into a transit
So sweet as I bend into its turns
The asphalt breaching me unholy
As I follow the road

I mean to love him
But I walk the tracks alone
I look towards the sunset in my horizon
The unreachable rest

Follow me and dance
Holding my eyes drunk in yours,
Feather me and lead the way
Laughing fearless into my soft caress

Pin my leg down so I don't run
Chase my footsteps into solid ground
Take me to bed
Undress my wholesome breasts

Cheer me on and lay inside me
Till dawn, the ever imminent dawn
Say you need me in gasp of day
The break of it so oblong

When it's you laying soundless
Tangled in my mesh of long hair
I smile as the moment presents itself
This imagery, a background I read about

I tasted this before, I know
Long ago
I wrapped my legs around you
And took you into my pleasure cone

Inhibitions filled my skies
It was all I needed to feel alive
Again
Inside

Inside my needy heavy hugs
My empty hopes to love
I mean to love him
But it's not enough, I walk alone

Towards unreachable rest
Marching into twilight
Where my eyes will blink
And we will be just such good friends

Once again
After a carnal blissful night
The unwelcome sunrise
Silently arrives

Why?

I know I'm not supposed to feel
I know I am meant to heal

and I rhyme in all obvious ways
because they say everyone experiences the same

love has hurt me
love has gone away,
love will come again
someday

and I'm supposed to move on
I type so fast I can't feel my fingertips
I laugh in distraught mistakes in vain I lean
on a day where I will make love that way again
gain a strength that I can't build on my own
I can pretend, I can fight till the end
and I can crumble when he lays his hand upon mine

and kisses the places where I dreamt and licks my senses
blind with insence and lost in blind hopes as lusty breath tenses
my breath tenses

Why? Why am I so loving to him
why do I hope within that he will hope to be mine
and turn into my, my man so divine

I am so blind
the piano plays in keys flat and monotone
childish am I... childish am I...

I write about the same all the time
same man, same burned out split open insides

Why? Why am I so blind and can't get through my withins
can't cry anymore
can't dive any deeper
can't take these daily chores staring at a waveless shore
without the love I felt so much, I am the tear
the tear keeper
the binding soul colorblind to the weakness

in his death smile

in his "love", I am weaker

Sixth Sense

The real indication.
My sixth sense
beating down upon engraved laws
the diligent penmanship of my verses.
I crawl dragging my limbs
in direction of a hopeless cause.
I am left to write my story
between his crooked lines;
his sick perverted lies.
I am left assuming
this is all based on queer nonsense
but my trail of anguish
screams repeatedly of bloody anger
So much, my throat gurgles
my nipples harden
my eyes water
my tongue tenses
my fist tightens, tires, then lays tender.

The wounds carry me back
to our thwarted uprooted tree
where I stand staring
at all your treachery
Standing weakly
drenched in mucous globs
polluted tears
as a death purple cloud
woes by these dreams I cry
Weeping in dear trances
I Hope for a new
hope for a few more chances
in another mindset
under other circumstances
Where I can be a blank canvas
a gift to a different painter
who chooses brighter tones of watercolors
So I can start to blossom
from the depths of an honorable heart
A sculptor who doesn't try to change
the art of my blessed sunrise
until it is meant to dusk upon his shore.
Is it too much, I ask nothing more!

I chafe
Study the fresh work of art
Grazing upon my eye
A wanton lip folds with master mystery
A woman reaching in misery
Searching as her passion is naked
An image that stood still
For a second or two or three
Stop right there!
I lost thee!
In the middle of his rotten picture frame
I blame
A dream momentarily shook awake
I blame
The bucket of his stinking blood
poured onto my dying pale crust
The foul blood of a sour coward
transfused into my veins
I blame in vain
A rebel Picasso of this lifetime
A Dali driven even more insane
Trying to rhyme

Couldn't find
The love in thee
The real indication
The real in all that you say you can be
You were all to me
You made me
With your brush strokes and your like pen
As I did to thee
to try to mold a solid companion
a great love, a noble stalion
So I say leave me now
Forever again
Leave me be,
leave my broken canvas
hanging tortuous
on the crumbling wall
but hear this
There is no one who will dance with your senses
burst out of the portrait bringing happiness and glee
even when you don't deserve half the credit
There is no one like my heavenly colors
or like the expression of love in my blueprint
or the fervent potency for all that we were
for all that I thought you would endure
for me, for sure
For God's sake, there is no cure!
Look at what you've done
to ruin the shades of my beauty, so pure
to ruin the loving shapes I could bend into
to ruin the heaven we've been to
to ruin surrender of all that I am
to ruin a devoted life
just to love thee
just to love thee

In not one, or two or three
but in all the six senses
I discern you never honestly loved me